On my left upper arm I have a tattoo.  It is a Tarot card of the Major Arcana, STRENGTH.  I have been considering this tattoo an awful lot lately.  Running my palm over it, remembering the day I finally got it.  Inner strength is essential to who I am.  The image is that of a maiden controlling a lion with her touch and a gentle smile.  To me, it is not the physical placement of her hands on the beast that controls him.  It is her demeanor of calm, quiet strength and confidence.  I specifically told the tattoo artist that her expression was the most essential part of the tattoo.  He captured it perfectly, and I wear the tattoo with pride.

I have been contemplating this tattoo and the reason I chose to permanently mark myself with it.  Most recently it is with a feeling of relief and a realization that I chose it just in time.  I am certainly going to need strength in the days to come.

In the midst of the physical transformation I am beginning, I have been under a constant barrage of emotional shit.  

These moments have run the gamut from broken nails to work AW F*CK moments to a blazing meteor exploding in my world and sending my life to an unexpected direction.

 

====

Okay, after that crying jag...

What it boils down to is this:  I am a woman who prefers to be in control, and when things get out of my control I tend to feel the ghost of panic scratching in my throat.  I may be a student of the Paranormal, Priestess in the Pagan traditions, Master Tarot Card reader and mother of teenagers but nothing scares the everlovin' bejeebus me like the "well NOW what?" moments.  The ones where you realize that nothing is as it was.  The rug that tied the room together has been unceremoniously yanked from under you and you don't know if you will land on your feet, ass or Courtroom.

Surrender is not a big part of my personality.  My life, my terms is the way I live.  

But this journey can be a constant.   A blessed constant of something I CAN control.  I CAN control what I do with my body, what I eat, what I drink and how I move.  No one else can do this for me and I truly don't need anyone else to do it for me. It has to be about me.  

I can buy a better rug.