Rein It In, Jenn

I forgot how much of a stress release working out can be.

There's a whole lot of stress and aggression I have discovered inside myself of late.  This, boys and girls, is a posting on how not to let that stress and aggression get on top of you.

This morning I spent some time on the treadmill, easy half mile, just to get the heart rate up.  Then I returned to my addiction...that gorgeous heavy bag just waiting to meet my fists.  I attacked that heavy bag like it was every freaking thing that was pissing me off.  I jabbed, hooked, crossed and whaled the stuffing outta that thing for fifteen minutes.  The issues I was laboring under materialized on the pleather surface of the heavy bag, sometimes words, sometimes feelings, and yes - now and then a face.  None were spared the wrath of my pummeling fists and pent-up aggression...I think I was even growling a bit...and it felt great!


Until...

I lost focus and hooked wrong, losing my wrist position.  Right fist landed wonky on the bag and I felt my wrist spang in outrage.  It's just a little sore, nothing that will stop me, but if that wasn't a big REIN. IT. IN. red flag warning I don't know what is.

So what can I do?  Well, number one is the physical.  I MUST wrap my hands.  I cheated and thought I could do my sets bare-knuckle.  Not a brilliant move and I am going to pay for it by having to deny myself my favorite cardio for a few days.  Can't risk a wrist sprain, or my nails.  My nails are one of my vanities. I don't have many vanities, but I indulge with my nails.  Can't risk tearing them off on the bag.  So, yes, we will be taping from here on out.

Number two is mental.  I cannot go in and picture every damn thing that is pissing me off superimposed on the heavy bag.  I will be discovered on the floor of the weight room with shredded pleather and stuffing strewn all around me, most likely hanging from my teeth.  Probably growling and muttering epithets as well.

It seems to me that allowing these issues to build to the point where I lose control is a potential downfall, in workouts and in life in general.  It is how you roll with it, not how you beat it down.  So, I stopped the physical assault on the heavy bag and moved to the freeweights.  That is good for concentration, and I already feel the results.  Tomorrow may be a slow-moving day of stretching and asking people to rub me down, but I choose to bear that discomfort.

After a shower and a tuna sandwich, I feel pretty damn good.  Had a nice chat with my best friend Chris and am happy to report feel the footing for new foundation being built under me.

There's only two things I need right now...a massage and a glass of orange juice.

And maybe...just maybe...some boxing gloves!

On my left upper arm I have a tattoo.  It is a Tarot card of the Major Arcana, STRENGTH.  I have been considering this tattoo an awful lot lately.  Running my palm over it, remembering the day I finally got it.  Inner strength is essential to who I am.  The image is that of a maiden controlling a lion with her touch and a gentle smile.  To me, it is not the physical placement of her hands on the beast that controls him.  It is her demeanor of calm, quiet strength and confidence.  I specifically told the tattoo artist that her expression was the most essential part of the tattoo.  He captured it perfectly, and I wear the tattoo with pride.

I have been contemplating this tattoo and the reason I chose to permanently mark myself with it.  Most recently it is with a feeling of relief and a realization that I chose it just in time.  I am certainly going to need strength in the days to come.

In the midst of the physical transformation I am beginning, I have been under a constant barrage of emotional shit.  

These moments have run the gamut from broken nails to work AW F*CK moments to a blazing meteor exploding in my world and sending my life to an unexpected direction.

 

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Okay, after that crying jag...

What it boils down to is this:  I am a woman who prefers to be in control, and when things get out of my control I tend to feel the ghost of panic scratching in my throat.  I may be a student of the Paranormal, Priestess in the Pagan traditions, Master Tarot Card reader and mother of teenagers but nothing scares the everlovin' bejeebus me like the "well NOW what?" moments.  The ones where you realize that nothing is as it was.  The rug that tied the room together has been unceremoniously yanked from under you and you don't know if you will land on your feet, ass or Courtroom.

Surrender is not a big part of my personality.  My life, my terms is the way I live.  

But this journey can be a constant.   A blessed constant of something I CAN control.  I CAN control what I do with my body, what I eat, what I drink and how I move.  No one else can do this for me and I truly don't need anyone else to do it for me. It has to be about me.  

I can buy a better rug.

 

Such a pretty face!

All my life I have been the big girl.

I have come a long way from the shy and anxious girl and young woman I once was.  I am a vibrant, beautiful and accomplished woman.  I am well-thought of and respected in the community and in my circle of friends.  I have a successful Morning Radio Show.  I am very involved with Community Theatre.  I love performing and directing.  I have a great close-knit circle of people who love and support me through my celebrations and trials.  I have children who I love and am inspired by, and a dear man at my side.

I am also sick to death of feeling like this.

I am sick of being the Big Girl.

I am sick of hearing, "Oh you have such a pretty face, you should do something about your weight".

I am sick of seeing the same clothes on the same curves and...oh... finding unwanted curves...

I will never be 'skinny'.  I am fine with that.  Even the Three Little Pigs figured it out...you can't spend any quality time inside a house made of sticks.  I am talking about health.  Strength.  Improving my life and living to the fullest.  Breaking down the barriers, grabbing life by the balls.

Making the outside match the inside.

Tomorrow, January 7, 2011 I am starting a workout program at Barrier Island Fitness Center.  I am going to be doing cardio, free weights and boxing.  Water aerobics when I can work it into my schedule of radio, theatre and home life.

There are many people who want me to be healthy, but one thing I have painfully learned...this has to be for ME.

I was a writer before I was a radio pro, and with this blog I intend to rant, rave, vent and squee.  I'd love for you to come along.